This is her story:

Why did you decide to come out at work?  

My “coming out” day started off as just another day in the office. I was 30 years old and making slow but steady career progress in restructuring at EY in London. I felt content at work but was feeling the strain of keeping my personal life and sexuality hidden. 

I knew that some of my less-kind colleagues were speculating about me behind my back and that left me anxious and isolated, fearful that bad things would happen if anyone discovered that aspect of my identity. 

At the time [in the early 90s], there were few gay role models in the world — even George Michael was dating women! The only lesbian role models were typically sportswomen. In spite of being the best tennis player of her generation, Martina Navratilova was frequently vilified in the press for being gay.

There were certainly no gay role models in business and consequently this felt like a dangerous environment to “come out” in. My career was very important to me and I in no way wanted to place it in jeopardy. My strategy was to fit in, not come out.

On the day in question, I was called into the senior partner’s office, Stephen Adamson CBE, to discuss some technical matters pertaining to one of my cases. I had a good relationship with Stephen who was brilliant technically as well as caring about his team and his clients. After we had finished our technical discussion, I stood and walked towards the open door of his office. Before I got there, Stephen asked me to shut the door and return to the seat at his desk.

I did as instructed and returned slowly, my mind racing as it was almost unheard of for meetings to be conducted in partners’ offices with the door shut unless something terrible had happened. With my heart in my mouth, I sat down, trying desperately to think about what I might have done wrong. 

Stephen immediately asked if he could ask me a personal question and while I was relieved there was no major crisis, I was more than a little anxious about what was coming next. I replied “yes” but with the caveat that I didn’t guarantee to give him an answer.

“Your ‘flatmate’ that you introduced me to at post-work drinks last week: are you and she in a relationship?” My mind was in turmoil as I looked at him and told myself: “Lie, lie. You can lie. It’s just another lie on top of all the lies you have already told, to colleagues, friends and family.”

But in the back of my head was a voice that said clearly, “I don’t want to lie”— and I told the truth.

Describe that day for us — how were you feeling?

They say that the truth will set you free and for me, in this moment, it felt completely liberating. But this was just the beginning. 

I had the most open and honest conversation with Stephen who was compassionate, interested and above all non-judgmental. 

We spoke for about 30 minutes and at the end, as I prepared to leave, I thanked him for his time and asked that he respect my confidence and tell nobody as no one in the office knew and, as it didn’t affect my work, that was how I wished it to remain.

My heart sank into my boots at his next words and I felt I had made a catastrophic error of judgment in confiding in him. 

“You are wrong,” he said. “It might not have affected your work to date but if you stay this way, it will affect your work in the future.” 

I very nearly cried. I could see my entire career implode in this single moment. 

He went on to say: “If you keep secret this important aspect of your identity, the stress of hiding will become intolerable for you. Also your clients and the teams that you lead will intuitively know that you are hiding something. They may not know what it is but that sixth sense will mean that they will trust you less and you will become less effective as a leader of teams and clients.” 

This was my introduction to the notion of authentic leadership and its importance in terms of self-development as well as leading teams and delivering to clients.  When I finally left that meeting, I felt conflicted — how could I square my desire to “fit in” with Stephen’s advice to “come out”? 

Fundamentally, however, I felt in control of the decisions that I knew I was going to make and the actions that would follow. I walked taller and with more purpose from that day on.

How did your company support you after you came out at work?

I didn’t come bursting out of the closet but I opened the door a crack and peered out. Little by little, I took first one step then another and another until I was living free from fear of discovery. 

Every single conversation I had was a positive one, which bolstered my confidence to have more and the people who gossiped about me lost their power over me.  Thankfully, I never had to resort to asking Stephen for help and support as my journey was overwhelmingly positive. But if I had hit any problems, I knew that he and the other partners would help me.

From that time, my career went into overdrive as every ounce of energy could be directed into my firm, my team and my clients. I finished my career on the UK board of EY as managing partner for talent, which enabled me to be the role model that I had never found myself.

What advice do you have for someone who’s scared to come out at work?

1) Remember that the strain of hiding this important aspect of your identity will become intolerable and will affect your ability to perform to your best. 

2) The lesson of authentic leadership is important, if people sense you are being dishonest about something, they will not trust you as fully as they should.

3) Seek out role models and ask for help, and if your organisation has a LGBTQIA+ employee resource group or network, join it and get involved. Those folk will help you on your journey.

What can finance firms do better to support LGBTQIA+ employees?

If your organisation will not support and encourage you simply because of your sexual orientation… leave. They don’t deserve you.

Financial News’s inaugural Pride of Finance list celebrates coming out at work stories from senior figures who have led by example to champion LGBTQIA+ inclusion. See the full list here.